you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
