watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
