A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
