It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
