we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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