Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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