i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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