dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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