do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
