I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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