I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
