I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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