why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
