I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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