No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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