i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
