Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I came so hard my ears popped.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
