he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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