I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
