I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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