I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
