can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
