How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I love having hate sex.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
