I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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