I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
True strength comes from lack of pants
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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