I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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