This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
