The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
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I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
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