I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
as a side note pls kill me
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
