Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
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