You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
