He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm like, not good at living.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
