Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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