Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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