she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
