Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
