The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
