did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
