An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I think I have vodka in my lungs
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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