This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
