Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
