Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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