I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
