U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
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Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
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But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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