a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
