I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I need moral support for this bender
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
