I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Randomize
