guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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