sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
