Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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