Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
