So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
