I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
