In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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