Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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