I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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