the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm determined to sit on that face.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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