glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
