he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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