i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
How does one acquire holy water?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
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