apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
