When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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