It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
