Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
