And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
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the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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