you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I deserve this hangover.
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